determined...

oh, my little man. 

at the park today, he refused to crawl up and down the stairs. 

we started playing at the park this march.  in march, he could only crawl. 
with a lot of coaxing.

now, with no help other than the railing, he can walk down the stairs.

it doesn't sound like that big of a deal.  i know that.

however, if you take a close look at the picture, do you see how the stairs come up to his knees? 

would you EVER want to take the stairs if they required that much work?

and check this out... isn't he amazing?

i wish that i would tackle more physical feats with the determination and eagerness that he does.

on that note...

i did another day of couch to 5k today... still the first day, but it counts :)

i used garageband to create a track specifically for that run. 

puck sings me "only the good die young" when i need to jog.

journey sings me "anyway you want it" when i need to briskly walk. 

it's kind of awesome.

one of the parts i hate about running is that people can see you.

(that's part of the reason i was the alto/guitar/piano player. 

i don't like to be seen.)

i've been running with the stroller. 

i'm using it as my crutch.

however, i wish it came with sweatproof handlebars.  :)

peek-a-boo!

i've sat down many times over the past 5 weeks to write a post, 

and became overwhelmed.  there was just too much to catch up on.

so, let me just say this.  late april and early may were awesome.

i'm not going to blog about any of it.

but i will leave you with this:

more blogs are coming...

my children fill my heart with happiness...

and...  i only have 1 day and 1 hour left and then it's...

SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

3 days down... 3 months to go.

Well... it's not as bad as I expected. 

I suppose it never is.

I've been happy when I've been at work.  I feel productive.  I love helping my students.  I loved how excited they were to see me, and I loved how they asked so many questions about Jason and Kayla.  Right now I'm trying to get my groove back, and luckily with support from my team and friends, it's going well.  The substitute I had was absolutely incredible.  She's inspired me to push myself and become a better teacher.  Well.. maybe not a better teacher... but the kind that I was back before babies and pregnancies.  Where I would come up with ideas that would inspire kids and help those who were struggling.  I think I needed a good kick in the a** to get me back to that, and she was the perfect inspiration.  Just now, I have to find a balance.  Teaching isn't everything anymore.  But I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Do I miss my babies while I'm at school?  Every second. 

However, it's really helped me spend true quality time playing with them when I get home.  Before, I used to dread the 4:00 - bedtime hours... it seemed like the hours before dinner especially would drag and drag.  This week, the hours have been flying, and have been filled with laughter, play, hugs, books, baths, and more laughter.  Even though I'm fighting off a cold, I'm surprised with the amount of energy that I have for J&K.  That makes me so happy.

No pictures today... I'm exhausted from a 12 hour day of teaching and conferences.   But, I'm surviving.  My kids are loving spending time with Bubbe, Gramma and Grampa. 

I'm so lucky.

i thought it would be better...

last year when i went back to school in march (after having the entire year off due to bed rest and maternity leave), i was able to sleep well the entire night before.  i had very little anxiety... jason was going to be taken care of by my mom and stepmom.  i only had to teach 3 months and it was summer.  life was good. 

for some reason, this year i'm having a much harder time going back.  i didn't sleep well the past two nights, plagued by the "back to school" bad dreams... my favorite/worst being my old (super hot) assistant principal walking into my classroom and realized i had no classroom management whatsoever, with kids hitting each other and no one listening to a word i had to say.  needless to say, i got fired.  and then, i woke up and got to see the clock change from 1:59 AM to 2:00 AM.  

i don't even know if school is the problem.  i'm used to being home.  although i have to get out of the house everyday, i love spending time with my little man and watching kayla grow.  i love being flexible in when i get things done.  i love that my house is clean(ish) enough for company to come over because i'm home every day to tidy.  i know i'm going to miss being with the little man a lot, and i'm sad i'll miss kayla's milestones... we're working on laughing and rolling over now.

i figure if i list out the anxiety here, i could eventually make a plan of attack to figure out how to get it all done:

1)  peter's really bad at making doctor's appointments, and i can't make them because i can't go.  i hate having to nag him to get kayla's 4 month wellness, jason's orthopedic, kayla's ent, another wellness for kayla and Jason's 18 month wellness, etc...

2)  i have 2 pairs of pants that (almost) fit, and i tried to glue the hem up on the pair i'm wearing today.  Fail.  I hope i can staple them without people noticing. 

3)  i need to weight watch and excersise.  i showed peter the couch to 5k regimine i want to try... my school district is hosting a family fun run/5k on may 1, and i want to be able to slowly jog it.  according to this website, i need to start training today.  umm... when?

4)  i'm worried that my household duties are going to fall wayside... why should i clean up the living room/clean bathrooms/kitchen/do laundry when i only get to see my children for 3 hours a day?

5)  i'm worried that my students at school are going to not get everything they can from me... my priority ladder is different, but they deserve a good part of my attention too.  i'm just hoping i can figure out how to keep work at work... but that's not very likely.  teachers can't do that.

6)  the one that my heart is most worried about (even though i know that people do it all the time and it's not a logical fear):  jason and i have grown really close.  what if he doesn't need me/want me now that i'll not be with him all the time?  what if kayla stops smiling at me when she sees me because i'm not with her all day?  trust me, i logically understand that what i'm saying is stupid.  i know what i would say to any of my friends if they told me this fear.  however, i'm having a hard time getting over it.

we'll see how today, this week, this month goes.  at least spring break is at the end...

oh yeah, the day i go back to school after spring break?  i turn 30.  oy.

old fashioned shenanigans

Auntie The Julie came over today.

And things got ridiculous.  Laugh out loud so hard you almost pee your pants ridiculous.

When planning for our meal tonight, both of us complained about the fact that we have 2 (and maybe really only 1) pair of professional pants to wear to work that fit. 

(yeah... I'm starting work again in a week.  

The scale tells me I'm back to what I was pre-Jason, but things just aren't fitting right.  

Oh dear.)

Whatever.  We wanted to eat.  Tomorrow is Monday, and Mondays are always fresh starts.  

Do you see the justification?

Tonight was all about biscuits and cookies.

First on the menu for Bubbe and Jason... Meatball Bubble Biscuits.  This is an old favorite of Peter's and mine.  Be careful to not overcook the meatballs.  They get hard, and bounce off of the Julie really easy.

Julie had tried a Gorgonzola cheese/bacon monkey bread at a bar near her house earlier in the week, and it had me craving it immediately.  I knew I wanted it, but also knew I couldn't make it to the city this week.  So, I searched and searched the internets for a recipe, but only came up with Gorgonzola monkey bread OR bacon monkey bread.  So... when the powers combined, I am Captain Planet!  we created a fabulous new savory monkey bread recipe.  My mom (who says she doesn't like bacon or gorgonzola) loved it.  Julie and I liked it so much that we posted it on allrecipes.com.  

Feel free to check it out over there :)

Then, for dessert, we made one of the easiest cookies of all time.  It took two ingredients.  Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and 1 egg.  The picture is from (and the recipe can be found at www.picky-palate.com)

Now that that's over, something. must. be. done.  Two pairs of pants is not enough.  So, you know how there's a recipe tab at the top of the blog?  I'm adding another tab tomorrow.  That tab is going to be an online journal for the good things I'm doing for myself, including exercise, good food, Points consumed, mental health breaks, etc.  Hopefully, writing them down will help motivate me.  Lord knows my waistline I need motivating.  Is it summer yet?  How about spring?

resolution 2011.

It's February 1, 2011 today. 

February was scaring me a bit this year... let's rewind and see why.

February 15, 2009.  Peter and I were up in Cedarburg, Wisconsin.  We went away for the first time ever for Valentine's Day.  We stayed at a bed & breakfast that didn't have any rooms available besides twin beds.  We were sure we couldn't have kids, and were planning on starting the adoption process that summer.  Maybe it was the wine from the local winery?  Maybe it was the amazing pesto mozzarella sticks?  Most likely, it was the twin beds.  Enter:  Jason Evan Tarnawa, October 16, 2009.

February 16, 2010.  Went to see the wonderful and fabulous Dr. Jahedi because I was weaning Jason, and felt funny.  I had nausea, headaches, and was quite moody.  I wanted to make sure everything was okay before I went back to work.  She checked if I was pregnant.  I wasn't.  We talked a bit about our plan of attack just in case I became pregnant.   February 18, I'm pregnant.  I went back to work pregnant not knowing.  Enter:  Kayla Elyse Tarnawa, November 18, 2010. 

My wonderful, amazing, lovable children are one year, one month, and two days apart.  And at that moment Kayla was born, Jason was 13 months and two days. 

Can you tell why I am petrified of February?  The big joke is that Peter and I can't share a bed, let alone look at each other during the month of February.  My dear friend Paulina offered her couch to Peter or myself for the month.  I was seriously thinking of taking her up on it.  For Peter, of course.  I'd stay home :)

In January, during my 6-week post partum check up, I got to see Dr. Jahedi (did I mention how much I love her?) again, and we talked birth control.  As much as she was instrumental in getting me through my pregnancies, I desperately needed her help in never getting pregnant again.  We talked options.  The pill?  No way.  I'd forget to take it, or at least never take it at the same time.  The patch?  Nope.  The shot?  Nope.  Nuvaring?  I'd be petrified it would fall out or I wouldn't install (yeah, I used the word install) it right.  An IUD?  Now we're talking.

There were two she offered... the first being a copper IUD with no hormone whatsoever.  Bonus:  it would last for 10 years.  Side effect:  heavy regular periods.  Considering I hadn't gotten my period in over two years, and before I was pregnant I'd get it every 2 to 3 months, that didn't sound like fun. 

Enter Mirena.  It lasts 5 years, has some hormone (but not a low dose of estrogen.  I'm not good at low doses of estrogen.  Ask Julie.  And Bob Newhart.)  and makes your periods super light.  Sounded like the perfect choice. 

It's suposed to be inserted by your OB/GYN in the office during your period.  I had scheduled an appointment with Dr. Jahedi for mid February already because we didn't know if I was going to get a period.  When I called the office to reschedule, I learned that she was pregnant (HOORAY!!!!!), and that she wasn't in the office at all this week (BOOOO!!!).  I rescheduled with the doctor I saw in college for Wednesday.  Turned out that would be Snowmageddon.  Luckily, they were able to see me today.

The process wasn't that bad.  There was pressure, and some really funny cramping when it was "installed," but totally worth not taking pills every night.  The doctor said I must have a good pain tolerance beacuse I was able to talk right through the procedure, but after what I've been through the past two years it was nothing.  The best part - it's effective immediately, though I should expect minor cramping and will perhaps spot for a few weeks.   I go back in 6 weeks to get it checked out. 

So, I've officially completed my new year's resolution:  2011 - the year of no new babies.  For the Tarnawa family.  The Augustine's and Dio's... you guys go right ahead.  Gomez's... you too! 

I've given Peter the "Get out of Jail free" card until February 1, 2016.  2016. 

Wanna bet he sees the doctor about a permanent solution on January 31, 2016?  :)

capable

Towards the end of my pregnancy with Kayla, I was as big as a house, still worried that she was going to fall out at any moment, and Jason was just (finally) starting to get mobile.  As Peter and I would sit in Little Man's room at night helping him learn to walk, I would silently think to myself "can I do this with two of them?  am I ready?  please be the joy that I want it to be..."

And then she came, and it was super hard and easy all at once.  Peter was able to stay home for the first 6 out of 7 weeks of Kayla's life, due to Thanksgiving, paternity leave and saved vacation days.  I wasn't allowed to lift little man.  It hurt for the first few weeks to do anything.  My feet swelled so much from all the fluid that when I walked, my toes didn't touch the ground.  Although I had to rely on Peter for pretty much everything over the past two years (except from November '09 - February '10... 3 measly months...), it was back to business as usual.  I'd have to constantly ask for his help, and he was wonderful and he'd do everything with some little very little complaining.  I knew it needed to happen that way.  And I knew that eventually I'd be back to normal.  I knew I shouldn't feel helpless.  I knew that what I was doing to keep our babies safe and letting myself heal without pushing was what needed to happen.  But I hated hated HATED the feeling of uselessness.  I hated the feeling of dependency.

Finally, on January 5th, the wonderful, talented, simply amazing Dr. Jahedi told me that I was given a clean bill of health, and I was free to do whatever I wanted.  When I got back to my car (after chit-chatting with her for a while... can I tell you how much I love her?) I took a deep breath and smiled.  I could get me back.

It started with being able to go to the mall with the kids... I can carry the kiddos downstairs, put my 30+ lb little man in his car seat, unload and set up the monstrosity of a double stroller, and get them in the mall without letting them freeze.  Then, I was able to start mall walking with a dear friend, and I felt even better.  I could help get the leaf out of the dining room table. I could move boxes and chairs.  I was back.

But the biggest realization hit when I met a new mom friend (when we were at another mall with another friend).  She was sitting at the table next to us with a sleeping baby in a stroller, and Jason was being uber cute with his straw and milk.  We started the normal mommy conversations:  how old, names, so cute, etc... and then it lead to her telling me that she was relatively new to the area, she's tried to get involved in mommy groups but it was hard to break in, and her family lived in California. 

My heart ached for her.  No matter how bad it got, or how sorry I was for myself for not being able to physically do what I wanted, I had my family here.  I had a large circle of friends who supported and listened, and my dear, dear mommy friends who understood exactly what I was going through.  It was almost starvation that I saw in my new friends eyes... the longing for finding a group of mommies who knew.  The ones who could say "oh yeah, that happened to me,"  or "I understand," or "have you tried," and not judge parenting styles, just offer support. 

So of course I got her email/number and we got in touch.  She was able to come and meet another mommy and me at the mall again.  She had so many questions, and Rachelle and I were so happy to share our limited experiences with her, and to just listen as she talked. 

Diaper changes were needed, and my Kayla needed to eat.  I grabbed a bottle so I could head over to Corner Bakery to ask for hot water, and by then Kayla was crying.  I looked at Rachelle and asked if she could just keep the pacifier in K's mouth, and that I'd be back in a minute.  Our new friend looked shocked.  "How could you be so calm?"she asked.  I laughed and said she was my second.  I knew she was hungry.  There was nothing else I could do for her but go as fast as I could to get a bottle, no matter how much she cried.

As I made the bottle, I thought about Jason when he was 2 months old.  I refused to take him out unless Peter, Debbie or Mom was with me.  I was petrified to take him to restaurants.  To anywhere!  I was so scared he'd cry, or have a diaper malfunction, or something, anything that would make me overwhelmed and not be able to fix him fast enough.  That was the look that was in my new friend's eyes. 

I wanted to tell her that she'll get more confident as her little man gets older.  That a screaming baby is not the end of the world, and that you can take your time and relax as you help them.  That stressing over the baby when he's crying in public will just make it worse.  I wanted to tell her that one day, it will be easier.  Not easy.  I don't know if it ever will be easy... just easier.  I didn't say those things... I'm hoping that we'll continue to see each other and I can watch her become more confident.  And I'm hoping that she'll find a group of mommies (if not us, another group) who will lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

And she doesn't know how much she helped me... she made me realize that I am capable.  That this parenting of two under 16 months is a challenge, but doable.  A challenge that I can't wait to try every morning.  A challenge that makes my heart melt as my baby girl stares after her big brother, that makes me laugh as Jason gives Kayla a chewed up piece of paper to make her stop crying (chewed up paper... that's a highly coveted prize in his 15 month old life... just like straws, socks, and dog food), that makes me appreciate every cuddle, that makes me so grateful that I have those two little lives that need me, and that no matter how hard the journey was to get to this moment, no matter how helpless and dependent I felt, that I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

 

small victories!

Last week was a bad week.  On so many levels.    However, in the past few days, things have really started to come together, and even the small act of typing them out brings a smile to my face:

1)  Down 2.2 lb this week (even after that amazing dinner at Opa!).  Not only that, I was able to get to the wonderful Hawthorn Mall with Rachelle yesterday and we walked for 45 minutes!  I haven't walked that long without the fear of a baby falling out of me for quite sometime... it felt so good (and felt even better because both kiddos were SO GOOD on the walk).  The weather made it so we weren't able to get out today (our respective husbands both took the "good" car), but my mom's coming over so hopefully I'll break out the wii Active, or maybe have a dance party with Richard Simmons and Jason.  The Little Man will just love Sweatin' to the Oldies.  :)

2)  At said mall, I was finally able to sneak a haircut in for the Little Man.  His hair was getting to be floppy and ridiculous, and would constantly be in his eyes.  The wonderful lady who cut his hair told me there's really no hope in getting rid of the "bump it" look he has going on in the back, but she was able to give him a great big boy haircut.  I swear he grew 297,365 years in the 15 minutes of hair cutting.  Look at this face... could he be any sweeter?  Or more grown up?  I think I have to admit that my baby is a toddler now...

3)  Sweet Baby K is doing so so so so much better thanks to the acid reflux medication!  She's almost back to being her normal.  We've noticed that there are longer and longer stretches of time where her breathing isn't as labored, and last night during her bath Peter didn't see her chest cave in at all!!   Over the past two days, she's been able to take at least 4 oz, if not more, at every feeding, and only a little tiny bit of spit up (which just so happened to land in my hair at 3:30 in the morning, but we'll just move right past that...).  Although I do miss the 2 weeks that she slept through the night, I'm happy to wake up with her if she's no longer hurting and actually wants to eat!  Today, my baby is 2 months old.  I haven't taken many pictures of her over the past weeks, but I promise I'll get one up here later today.  I'm excited for her wellness checkup tomorrow!

4)  I've been able to get 2 photo books done... right now, MyPublisher has an AMAZING deal until January 23rd... 25% off $50, 50% off $100, and 60% off $200!  As soon as I order my books, I'll post a link where you can see them on here.   I made Jason's baby book using this site... they're not as fancy as other sites I've seen, but waaaaay cheaper, and very good quality!

5)  I've been braver than I thought I could be.  No need to go into details, but let's just say that I'm really, really happy and quite proud of myself.

I hope that you've been able to take note of your small victories lately!