Monday, February 28, 2011

i thought it would be better...

last year when i went back to school in march (after having the entire year off due to bed rest and maternity leave), i was able to sleep well the entire night before.  i had very little anxiety... jason was going to be taken care of by my mom and stepmom.  i only had to teach 3 months and it was summer.  life was good. 

for some reason, this year i'm having a much harder time going back.  i didn't sleep well the past two nights, plagued by the "back to school" bad dreams... my favorite/worst being my old (super hot) assistant principal walking into my classroom and realized i had no classroom management whatsoever, with kids hitting each other and no one listening to a word i had to say.  needless to say, i got fired.  and then, i woke up and got to see the clock change from 1:59 AM to 2:00 AM.  

i don't even know if school is the problem.  i'm used to being home.  although i have to get out of the house everyday, i love spending time with my little man and watching kayla grow.  i love being flexible in when i get things done.  i love that my house is clean(ish) enough for company to come over because i'm home every day to tidy.  i know i'm going to miss being with the little man a lot, and i'm sad i'll miss kayla's milestones... we're working on laughing and rolling over now.

i figure if i list out the anxiety here, i could eventually make a plan of attack to figure out how to get it all done:

1)  peter's really bad at making doctor's appointments, and i can't make them because i can't go.  i hate having to nag him to get kayla's 4 month wellness, jason's orthopedic, kayla's ent, another wellness for kayla and Jason's 18 month wellness, etc...

2)  i have 2 pairs of pants that (almost) fit, and i tried to glue the hem up on the pair i'm wearing today.  Fail.  I hope i can staple them without people noticing. 

3)  i need to weight watch and excersise.  i showed peter the couch to 5k regimine i want to try... my school district is hosting a family fun run/5k on may 1, and i want to be able to slowly jog it.  according to this website, i need to start training today.  umm... when?

4)  i'm worried that my household duties are going to fall wayside... why should i clean up the living room/clean bathrooms/kitchen/do laundry when i only get to see my children for 3 hours a day?

5)  i'm worried that my students at school are going to not get everything they can from me... my priority ladder is different, but they deserve a good part of my attention too.  i'm just hoping i can figure out how to keep work at work... but that's not very likely.  teachers can't do that.

6)  the one that my heart is most worried about (even though i know that people do it all the time and it's not a logical fear):  jason and i have grown really close.  what if he doesn't need me/want me now that i'll not be with him all the time?  what if kayla stops smiling at me when she sees me because i'm not with her all day?  trust me, i logically understand that what i'm saying is stupid.  i know what i would say to any of my friends if they told me this fear.  however, i'm having a hard time getting over it.

we'll see how today, this week, this month goes.  at least spring break is at the end...

oh yeah, the day i go back to school after spring break?  i turn 30.  oy.

1 comment:

  1. I totally feel you on that last one. When Nate was having nursing issues, and he would just scream and scream when I tried to breast feed I couldn't help but take it personally. . . like he didn't want me, and I was so upset. He got over it, thank goodness.

    Time will heal this worry once you go back and you see how much they miss you.